I made this one up (I Think): Where are you when you drop your waffle in the sand? In Sandy Eggo!! (San Diego) ohhh hahaha that gets em every time. lol
these aren't really elf oriented but... Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil. hope I win, game looks really cool.
Marriage Jokes ---------------- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" - - - - - - - - - - - In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. - - - - - - - - - - - My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. - - - - - - - - - - - Why do men die before their wives? They want to. - - - - - - - - - - - A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." - - - - - - - - - - - Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. - - - - - - - - - - - A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - - - - - - - - - - - The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - - - - - - - - - - - First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - - - - - - - - - - - How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. - - - - - - - - - - - Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. - - - - - - - - - - - If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. - - - - - - - - - - - Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." - - - - - - - - - - - A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Like this one. You will have a promo code A silly jokebut made some of us laugh. A promo code for you LOL You have a code. Great effort. A few jokes that made me laugh. Promo code for you my friend Simple but funny. I'll send you a code
I still have another 5 promo codes for Elf to giveaway. Please send me your funny jokes to get a code.
I love this one - not an elf as such, just a winter one ---- The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" ---- This next one is more of a little story ---- The Christmas Elf Massacre Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold. Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills. Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills. Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells -- And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell. You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow. Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes: “Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul. Santa’s house appeared eerily silent But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent . This workshop of toys for kids of all ages Was filled with elves quaking in cages. Who woke up from their long winter’s naps To find themselves snared in a devious trap. Hours before I had been bingeing on nog Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga. I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages. Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages. Then what to my horrified eyes should appear But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear. Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots. That this monster was Santa, no one could refute. His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick His fangs and his scales made me quite sick Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim. “Come little helper! Climb into my maw!” He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw. He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone! Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried Drunk on deinal; confounded by why. (He lost his count during his murderous spree Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!) His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame. “Don’t eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!” The doomed little elves made their sad cases But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist Pulled out some parchment and started a list: “Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink. Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie” These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man Who held the dreams of children in his hands Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal, That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices. And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices These prices are paid by the magical gnomes Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes. The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin. Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins. Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny. The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe – That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby. Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread. But our nature’s to love, not to distrust. So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust. Ignorant to what would soon transpire We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire. Expecting the old man to come flying back And start making next years toys for his sack. But how does he have enough sprites for his belly? The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly. That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth. And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb. Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust. Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust. Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity, We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast But casserole is how Santa likes us the most. Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambéed Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed. Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us. Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan! Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan! Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph. I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf. A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated. As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated And all that is left of my cherubic siblings. Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things So much for good cheer! But don’t shed a tear: This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years. And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out.” Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk (Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk) I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply. Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July. ---- But this one, is a joke! ---- Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in? Mini vans! ----
Not an elf joke but funny. A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house. TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He rings. The owner takes him out to the backyard, where he sees a Labrador, "You talk?' he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "When I was a puppy, the CIA had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. Now I'm retired." The guy is amazed and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the owner says "Ten dollars? Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a f--king liar. He never did any of that s--t!"
What do elves write on Christmas cards? Have a fairy happy Christmas! What do they call a wild elf in Wyoming? Gnome on the range! What do you call a wound that is caused by being stabbed by an Elf? It's Elf-Inflicted What do you call an Elf walking backwards? A Fle What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes? A real Christmas Card! What do you call an elf with a skin disease? A leper-chaun. What is a female elf called? A shelf What is big, green and packs a trunk? An Elfephant. What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? Shortbread! What kind of money do elves use? Jingle bills! hope you enjoy these-i did!
I think these are pretty festive and funny! What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments! How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air? You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer! What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? Shed go to a re-tail shop for a new one! Why is Prancer always wet? Because hes a rain-deer! Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him! Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude?-olph! What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you! How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He looks at his calen-deer! What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy? Elk-a-seltzer! How do you get into Donner's house? You ring the deer-bell! What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope! How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down! Did Rudolph go to a regular school? No, he was elf-taught! Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road? Because he was tied to a chicken! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they look silly in snowsuits!
What do they call a wild elf in Wyoming? Gnome on the range! What is a female elf called? A shelf What kind of music do elves like best? "Wrap" music! Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had low "elf" esteem! What do Elves use to go from floor to floor? An Elfevator How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air? You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they look silly in snowsuits! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !
Here is one joke to cheer you up abit while doing those coding though I won one earlier: There was this elf at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor elf starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on elf, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a elf cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. Santa Claus, my boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
